I used to love myself but look where it got me.
I wanted to be honest here so here it goes.
In my group of friends, I am the loudest, the short one, the stout one, the fat one. I never stand out when it comes to anything under the sun except for flaws. Beauty and brains were never my thing. I am a regular person living in an extraordinary world. Nobody ever complimented me about anything except maybe out of sarcasm.
Since I am less than ordinary, I learned to be a ‘yes’ person. Because how dare an ugly person just like me would like to say ‘no’ to something? I fought hard to be in my position right now. I said ‘yes’ to alcohol, I said ‘yes’ to smoking, I said ‘yes’ to drugs and almost said ‘yes’ to sex (don’t worry, I didn’t went that far). People took advantage of me just because I’m willing to show them that a person like me could blend in to their world.
I don’t like taking group photos because I am different. I stand out not because im pretty, I stand out because I’m the widest person in the group. I don’t wear any make up because no matter how hard I try to put something on my face, I will always be this person whom men will never look at.
There’s this saying ‘Only you can make you feel bad about yourself’. Well, true. Because all this time I tell myself that I am pretty and smart in my own way but then the reality kicks in and shove right into my face that I am not better than what I think I am. Oh well.
People tend to put me aside because they secretly say ‘I am not that attractive’. And by people I mean, men. So I stopped convincing myself that I am good to look at because I’m already convinced that I am not.
Everytime the world shows off, my heart is secretly crushed by the truth and torn by reality. Sometimes I wish i was dead, or invisible. I want to experience things I haven’t experienced yet. I am limited to experiencing things just because the world doesn’t like what I can offer. This face, this body, this whole of me will never be en0ugh.
I will continue to exist as an unimportant person in this perfectly imperfect world. I will continue to do the things that I need because I can’t really do the things that I want. I will continue to strive to be the best that I can be even though my best will never be enough to anyone. I will continue to be the person who is unloved and unwanted – because nobody really dared to.
It’s hard to be me, but I also know that someone is feeling worst than I am. I don’t want to give myself a ‘pep talk’ for now because it really never helps – because that’s just another lie I never want myself to believe in anymore.
So this is the harsh cold reality – I am ugly, I am fat. I am unwanted, never needed.
Dynamique Infirmière 